In love, just like in life, I often hear people make the statement that when one door closes, another one opens. I used to agree with this myself thinking that behind every broken heart was someone else waiting to pick up the pieces. Maybe that’s why I have always throughout my life gone from one relationship to another without seemingly skipping a beat.
For some of us, we are just “relationship” people. We like companionship and spending personal time with another person. And while our friends can do a great job of filling those shoes for a short time, we often long for a different form of emotional bonding that they can’t give us. So we seek out that open door.
Almost 4 years ago I ended a relationship that had been ongoing for over 12 years. We had been through it all, ups and downs, fighting and making up over and over again, we had moved all across the country together and back. We had been married, had a child and lived the life that everyone thought should have been ideal. But as it turns out, it didn’t last. ( For reasons that I am sure will make another fantastic topic for a later entry)
Almost immediately after moving out I sought out that other open door. I needed so desperately to be emotionally validated that I allowed myself to be uprooted from my values and common sense. I allowed someone to test my sense of self and make me questions my worth over and over again. But no matter the cost, I still walked through that door.
I had immediate regret when I got to the other side. I had stepped through the threshold too soon. I gave my heart away to someone when I hadn’t even had time to let it heal from the pain I had just self inflicted by ending my marriage. I walked blindly into this glaring light from outside my 4 walls of sadness right into a train wreck of misinformation and lies. But it was too late, I had already committed to walking out that door. There was no turning back.
Well yada yada yada, a few years later I realized that what I had walked into was just another dead end. Just another open door with an empty room on the other side. And so again, I closed the door behind me.
In this room, I told myself, this is where I will learn my most valuable lesson. I will not let any more doors open while I am in this room until I have taken a look out the window. I will not walk blindly through desperation into another empty room. This time I will stop and take a look out the window. I will be cautious with my heart because this is the only one I will ever have.
So the lesson I have learned through this pain as been this. Do not seek out love because you are lonely. Love isn’t built over night. Love can’t be found by jumping head first into the light. Love will not lead you into another room, I will lead you out into the open to be exactly who you should have been in the first place. It will set you free.
I do believe that somewhere out there, there is another door that will open. In love. But for now, I am just as happy taking time out and simply opening a window.
Great Imperfections 