In our lifetime we are told that Love makes us whole. We search for years and years for that perfect someone to complete us. But what happens when that “someone” doesn’t make us whole? What happens when we don’t find love? Does that make us less than a person?
I have been married twice and I am 35 years old. In a later blog I will talk about how those two marriages made me who I am today. But what I really want to discuss this is how it’s OK to be “unmarried”.
At my age, the common discussion amongst other women, other men and other couples my age are, why aren’t you married? And without going into exact detail about my previous marriages, I simply explain that I’m single.
In a generation that is built on divorce, it is still questionable as to why I am not at least dating, or in some sort of a relationship. And to those concerned citizens I say this…
I have seen Love, I have witnessed Love, I have experienced love. I am not opposed to the idea of love. However I am skeptical of the idea of marriage. And this is why.
I have been in love with a man who was exceptional and completing of my life. A man who gave me a child that I always dreamed of. And because of my own insecurities I pushed him away.
I have also been in love with a man who fullfulled the fairytale fantasy of high school sweetheart love. You know, the one who years later came back into your life and completed you and made you whole even thought you had everything.
And both of those loves ended. I have also experience the sexual attraction love, the rebound love, the validation love, the materialistic love, and probably other loves that we all pretend we needed in our realities.
And after all of that, at 35 years old, I am absolutely, unequivocally, completely and rationally not in love.
We are programmed to seek out love. And I have done that wholistically. I have invested myself in loves that were not realistic. I have given parts of myself in love of people who did not deserve me. And in the distraction of those loves, I lost parts of myself.
And so in my mid 30s, I am faced with the question of how am I still single? What am I doing with my life?
Like my love life defines me.
But my question back, is how does that make me who I am? I have never changed who I am in any relationship I have ever been in. And at this point I question why does it make any difference whether or not I am single, or if I’m in a relationship?
And furthermore, when I say I am single, Why do people suddenly feel empathy and sorrow for me? Is it because of my age? Or is it because society has determined that if we are in our mid 30s, we have to be part of some relationship?
And so this is what I have to say about the fact that I am single.
I have been in love. I have experience life with another person. I have planned my future with another person. I have experienced life’s beautiful and not so beautiful realities with another person. I have fought tooth and nail with another person, and I have forgiven and made mistakes.
And I am still happy because of those experiences.
I don’t need someone else to “complete me”. I don’t need some one else to validate my opinions. I don’t need someone to tell me my parenting skills are adequate. I don’t need someone to be responsible for my own responsibilities.
I don’t need a fairytale. I thought I had that before and it was all bullshit. I don’t need recognition, for the things that I do for my family and myself to feel better about my reality.
I don’t need someone to lay next to me in my bed at night to make me feel secure. My 22 does that just fine.
I don’t need to ask permission from anyone to make any decision in relation to my life, my job, my home, or my workplace.
I don’t need another person to validate my existence. I don’t need some man to tell me I’m special to know that I’m special. I don’t need someone to tell me he loves me to know that I am loved.
The reality is, I have been on those dating websites. I have seen what’s out there. And I am not impressed. If Love wants to find me it will. But I am not, in anyway, waiting around for it to find me.
And my status as a “single” woman does not define me as a person.
I am still a great mother. I still love my son with 1000% of myself. I still do everything for him and for myself that I possibly can. And no couple status, or no man will ever define me.
Do I wish I had love? Of course I do. But I will never let the lack of love in my personal life affect my day to day.
So ladies I say this to you, it does not matter if you are a single mother. In my opinion that makes us better, stronger and more powerful mothers.
What matters is you taking control of your life, being happy and who you are, doing everything that you can for your children, and coming out on top with a positive attitude. If Love finds you, it does. Great for you!
So when people ask you are you single? Say “yes i am!” With conviction, not sadness. Because that doesn’t define you. It empowers you.
You have the opportunity to define your future. Based on yourself, based on your family, based on the other person that you decide to let into your life.
Why am I single and happy? Because I know in my lifetime I have seen, experience, felt, and forgiven all of the challenges life can give to us and versions of relationships. I am happy because I choose to be. And any woman can choose that for themselves.
So for any of those women out there who have experienced heartbreak, lies, deception, expectations that weren’t met, shortcomings of their own fault, I say to you, it’s possible to be happy and to be single.
Love will find you, and if it doesn’t, you can still go on day to day , knowing that you are the best you that you can be for yourself, and for your children.
So be happy being single, be happy being yourself. Be happy being the version of you that has learned from all the lessons that life has taught you.
And keep believing that one day you will be sent a person who is accepting of your previous life, and acknowledging of your current life, and supportive of your future life together.
So please, don’t feel sorry for me because I’m single. Realize that it’s a choice that I’m making. Based on my experiences and based on my beliefs.