Great Imperfections

We have all heard those romantic stories about people who were connected through sites like match.com or eharmony.com. But what I want to tell you about is the reality that we all face when experimenting with online dating.

While I like to think that those scenarios are possible for normal people like myself, in my experience I have observed the opposite scenario.

Recently I thought, I’ll go online and find my match. However I have not had success as promised.  I have however had several instances of great storytelling moments.

I have encountered six types of men on these dating sites and I will highlight those types for you here.

1. Red flag rebels

These are the guys that seem completely normal until they tell you they’re victim to the following red flags.

A. They live with their parents. While this may seem like an endearing characteristic,  if they are recently out of the long term relationship, if they are still living with their parents six months or longer they are not relationship material.

B. They have a criminal record or an extenuating restraining order from their previous relationship. This should be self-explanatory.

C. They have baby mama drama. All relationships get stressed at some point, however as adults we should be able to work past the “baby mama drama” scenario and not be afraid that at some point there will be a physical altercation with their ex.

I’m sorry but there is enough of real life drama that I have to deal with, I don’t feel like adding your drama to mine to make my dating life.

2.  Booty Call Creepers

These are the guys that spend about five minutes trying to “get to know you” and then immediately transition into “booty call mode.”

Their profile says they are “looking for relationship” and then three messages in, they want to ask for your phone number to exchange photos,  or they invite you over to their house.   These guys typically are not only inapropriate, but are insecure, arrogant, and downright disgusting.   None of which any respectable person would find attractive.

I’m sorry but I’m pretty sure if I wanted a “booty call” I would find someone more familiar. I don’t need a creepy, diseased stranger to call when I’m lonely.

3.  Older than my dad oddities

I’m in my mid-30s and so I would like the think that I am capable of dating someone within 10 years of my age range. However it is common that someone in their late 60s or so will message me.  Men who are much more in the age range of my father, who think I would want to date them.

Although it is made very clear in my profile, the age range of the men I am willing to date, somehow these “grandpas” message me anyway.

I’m sorry but the idea of you having grandchildren and/or wrinkly balls does not excite me.

4.  Simple and Shy

These are the guys that seem normal at first, maybe too normal.   You do your best to entertain there mundane and politically correct messages, only to feel like you are giving them some sort of job interview. With these guys it’s like pulling teeth to get information.

You try to be unique and funny, only to be received with one or two word responses. There is never any implication of the expectation of dating, you can hardly get an answer let alone a date. This may be the most boring type of person to come across.

I’m sorry but why does your profile even exist?  Our hopes are raised by your normalcy and chivalry, but deflated by your boring nature and lack of action.

5. The Over Acheiver.

This is the guy who has 13 profile pictures, all of him in extreme situations. He’s hanging off a cliff, he’s working out with his six pack at the gym, he’s kayaking on the lake, he’s climbing a mountain, he’s being all of the things that you would expect a superhuman to be.

And while all of these extreme things seem interesting on the surface, once you talk to this person and you realize that not only does he thrive on your comments about his adventurous lifestyle, it’s all he knows how to talk about.

This guy seems cool until you realize that his entire life is focused on the “above and beyond”. And honestly, most people can’t keep up or compete with that.   Not only do they expect you to meet them in their extreme lifestyle, but that’s what they view as #lifegoals.

I’m sorry, crawling around in the mud or sweating in a 5K is not my idea of a fun date.

6. The “too busy” guy

This is the guy that starts out a conversation about how he’s so interested in dating. About how much she wants to be in a relationship, but no matter how many conversations you have no matter how many “fictitional” dates you come up with, they never actually happen.  He is financially stable, interesting and responsible and yet “unavailable”.

This guy is too busy traveling, too busy working, too busy living his own life, to allow you into his life.

I’m sorry, but why are you on a dating site? Do you relalize your life does not accommodate dating in the first place. So don’t pretend like that’s what you’re interested in.

So my conclusion about guys on online dating sites is this, they aren’t any different than the guys we meet in real life.  Nope. They are worse.

Online dating is like a bargain bin hunting because of this……..  imagine you walk up to the five dollar DVD bargain bin at Walmart looking for your favorite movie. Most of them are ones you’ve seen a thousand times, most of them are ones you would never watch….. but then you see the one…… you’re excited…..you get home and open up the DVD only to realize that it’s in Chinese.   What a let down….. a hope turned into a let down.

It seems like a good deal at first, but in the light of reality, it’s garbage.

I am not a fan of online dating. I will not endorse it.   It’s literally like searching for a needle in a haystack.    Or an English version of the best chick flick in the bottom of the bargain bin.